Here With Me
by Leah Lestrange Black
Summary: After a horrible incident involving Killer Frost, Caitlin runs away from everyone. The hurt is too much for her to handle, but Julian is determined to find her and prove to her she is not a monster. – Inspired by the song "Here with me" from Dido.


Here with Me

It was raining so much, it was nearly impossible to see anything on the road. The sound of the thunder and lightning were frightening. No one could be safe out there in that crazy weather, the wind was crazy; it looked like it was going to rip the trees out of the ground. Julian Albert not cared at all about that, he was trying to focus on the task ahead of him: to drive safely while looking for her. He was determined to find her at any cost.

He was a hardworking person, spent his whole life dedicating himself to prove his parents wrong, to make something great with his life, until all that mess with Alchemy and Savitar happened to him. He was not prepared to be the vessel of that lunatic, turn that many lives upside down. He felt responsible for them all, even when team Flash reassured him he was not to blame, that he was used, but he felt responsible, especially responsible for her. He never cared this much about anyone but somehow Caitlin managed to get under his skin. She could see the best in him when no one else did; she gave him an opportunity of being part of something great and awesome, to actually help people. He felt so alone sometimes, he forgot about the feeling of having real friends and a place to call home. He was forever grateful for that so he refused to let anything happen to her. He swore to himself he would find her, no matter what.

That scene of the last time he saw Caitlin kept repeating itself on his mind and it hurt like hell. It hurt because he knew it was hurting her; he knew her struggle, her suffering. She didn't deserve that.

 _\- Flashback -_

 _They were all surrounded by gorillas._

 _Since they invaded Central City, Team Flash felt more lost than ever. It was hard enough to deal with Grodd, the gigantic telepathic gorilla, and now to deal with 20 of them was like mission impossible. And they were in an impossible situation. Grodd was grabbing Barry by his throat and each one of those gorillas was holding one of them: Wally, Iris, Joe, Jessie, Cisco, HR, Julian… She was the only one free. Grodd ordered for the others to stay away from her. She still felt like she had a special connection with Grodd, and she was trying her best to convince him to let everyone go._

 _\- Caitlin, he won't listen… We need your help; you are the only one that can help us. – Cisco yelled while being held strongly by one of the gorillas. He was thrown into the ground, the foot of the gorilla inches from smashing his body._

 _\- I can't use my powers; I don't know what I'll do… I… - Caitlin was feeling desperate. Again she faced the struggle of having to use her power to save someone again, not knowing what would happen later. She could easily kill them all anyways. It was frightening, but it was the horrible truth._

 _\- Caitlin… - Barry pleaded feeling weaker and weaker._

 _Grodd lifted Barry higher and was about to break his neck when Caitlin took a deep breath, closed her eyes in a fast prayer and opened again, looking deadly serious to the gorillas. Her eyes were deep electric blue, and she raised her hands. Ice came from her fingers and she aimed at those beasts, freezing each and every one of them at the same time. She could barely hold herself together, feeling a powerful wave taking over her body. The wind was wild around her and it took all of her strength to do what she was doing. She felt her whole body tremble and be taken over by the extreme cold that she was throwing at those animals, and little by little team Flash managed to escape from their grips. They ran to Caitlin's side as she kept going on._

 _\- Caitlin…Caitlin, is enough – Barry said putting his hand on Caitlin's shoulder, feeling a something he wasn't expecting. Caitlin was so cold he could barely touch her without turning blue and freezing to death._

 _\- Caitlin… - Julian whispered, looking worried at her._

 _Caitlin could barely hear them as she watched the gorillas fall down, all death. When the last one dropped lifeless to the ground, Caitlin dropped her hands to her side and woke up from her trance. She looked horrified to all the dead gorillas, and to her friends. Barry reached for her, but she walked backwards, away from him, still shocked and terrified. She turned her back on them and ran away without a word._

 _\- End of Flashback -_

As the hours passed by, he felt even more nervous. She had to be somewhere; someone should have seen her by now. He tried his phone, calling everyone he could, getting no answer. At Star Labs, HR picked up the phone, telling him everyone was searching for Caitlin, but it seemed like she vanished from the Earth.

\- Bloody hell! – He cursed after turning his phone off. The he stopped abruptly his car while he remembered those words "to vanish from Earth".

In one of their late conversations around drinks and meals, Caitlin mentioned a place she loved to go when she felt like vanishing from Earth. He smiled to himself, thanking all the Gods for his good memory and turned his car on again.

\- I know where she is! – He breathed, hoping to be right about his hunch.

It was pouring harder than ever and Julian found himself driving through the woods, away from the city. There was a long path that led to a beautiful river and an old cabin next to it. He smiled relieved as he saw her figure in the lakeside.

She sat there hopeless, with her head down on her knees. She was soaked from the rain, but she didn't seem to mind at all. Julian got out of his car and ran towards her. He stopped a few inches away and touched her cold shoulder. Caitlin jumped from where she was and got up, stepping back frightened.

\- Stay away, I don't want to hurt you! – She said in a desperate voice.

\- Caitlin, please…

\- No, STAY AWAY. I can't be trusted… I… I'm a danger to everyone, LEAVE ME ALONE – She screamed.

\- Caitlin, no… You are not a danger, please come back with me… - Julian tried to reach for her slowly in a pleading voice. He was feeling desperate himself noticing the hurt in Caitlin's voice.

\- No… I killed all of them…all those gorillas… I…I KILLED…I'M BECOMING HER, I CAN'T… - She started to panic, raising her hand and accidentally throwing some sharp ice at Julian's direction. He deflected, thanks to his reflexes and Caitlin panicked even more. – SEE? GO AWAY PLEASE, I… I CAN'T… - She seemed lost, wandering around the lake terrified as she felt her whole body turning colder, trembling out of control and she fainted.

Julian ran to Caitlin, catching her before she hit the ground. She was beyond cold. He needed to do something fast. He looked around and saw the cabin, figuring out he couldn't drive in this weather. He picked her up in his arms and brought her to the cabin. The door was unlocked but it was all dark, no light available. He left her in a couch next to the fireplace and went to look for some woods.

Twenty minutes later, he returned to the cabin feeling frustrated. There was nothing that could help: no light, no warmth, he was getting upset while watching Caitlin trembling uncontrollable. He found some old blankets in the bedroom and brought to the living room, wrapping them around her.

\- Ok, this will help… I hope… - He looked around and noticed the storm calming down, the rain falling not so heavily.

He picked her up again, wrapped with the blankets and brought her to his car. He got inside and drove back to the city. The storm got heavier again, making Julian curse under his breath. He looked at Caitlin and noticed that she was opening her eyes slowly.

\- What… What happened? – She sat properly on her seat out of sudden, looking around really confused.

\- You panicked and passed out. I tried to help but all I could find was those old blankets in that cabin.

\- How did you find me?

\- I remembered you telling me you liked to come here to relax and to be away from everyone and everything…

\- You have a good memory – She said, startled that he remembered something she said to him a long time ago, feeling a deep sadness inside her once again – You should have let me to die… I deserve it.

Julian stopped the car abruptly and looked serious at her.

\- Stop, don't say that… Never again

\- It's true… I am a danger to everyone, can't you see that? Look at what I did… I took so many lives…

\- You had no choice, it was an impossible situation. Please don't beat yourself up to this. You did the right thing. You can learn to control it. Remember how you told me about Cisco, when he got his powers? How scared he was? He learned to control it…

\- He doesn't turn into an evil person who kills everyone he sees. – She lowered her head feeling even more depressed than she was.

\- You don't have to turn into an evil person, I can help you control it, please Caitlin… Just hear me, for once…

\- Please, don't bring me back. – Caitlin interrupted him with a pleading and desperate voice

\- But everyone's worried… You need to warm up.

\- I don't want to see anyone, I could hurt them…Don't make me go through all of that again… I can't – She pressed her hands in her head, feeling a harsh pain. – Please…

Julian looked at Caitlin helplessly. He thought about anything he could do to help her but it seemed impossible to make her pain go away and it made his heart break into a million pieces. Caitlin was a precious person; it hurt like hell to see her struggle with her powers, with her fears. He reached his hand to her and squeezed it tight.

\- I promise I won't bring you back, but you need to warm up. You need to rest Caitlin, you are beyond exhausted.

\- Take me to your place then… I can't be around people. It's bad enough I'm putting you in danger.

\- I know you won't hurt me, I trust you – He looked deep into her eyes, smiling softly at her. – I'm here for you. And if this is what you want, ok, I'll bring you to my place. You don't need to be afraid anymore Caitlin…

She smiled weakly back at him.

Julian's apartment was not that big but it was cozy. There was a fireplace in the living room that he turned on as soon as they got in. He went to his bedroom and took some dry clothes. He gave Caitlin a white sweatshirt and grey sweatpants he never used since he bought it for some reason and waited in the living room while she dried herself and changed in the bathroom.

He took a deep breath, not knowing if he was worried or relieved. It was a hell of a day and it made him get lost in his thoughts. He was not used to care about others like that, but something about Caitlin messed him up. He felt helpless but he wasn't going to give up. He cared about Caitlin to much to see her suffering and do nothing to help her. He was determined to be there for her as long as she needed him.

Caitlin came out of the bathroom with her hair still wet, but feeling way warmer than before. There was color in her face again but she had a sad look in her eyes while she fought back the tears. She wore the clothes he gave her. She gave him back the towel she got from the bathroom and he offered her a flip flop. She accepted it, smiling sadly at him.

\- You shouldn't have come after me… - She said in a serious tone

\- Caitlin, I had to… I was so worried something happened to you…

\- But something did happen to me… - She turned her back to him and covered her face with her hand. – A long time ago, last year, now… Something is always happening to me, and I can't take it anymore…

If only he knew… She was broken inside for so long that she mastered the art of pretending to be ok, so no one would notice. It was her thing. First with Ronnie, she was about to be the happiest woman in the whole world, married to the man she loved, a true hero when he tragically died saving the world. Then she thought she could be happy again just to find out Jay Garrick was actually Zoom, the psycho that did so damage to her city, friends, to her. She felt betrayed, used; he knew everything about her and crushed her like it was nothing. She did not ask for her powers, but gained them anyways, she hurt so many people, did so many horrible things and it was on the edge of becoming her again. She could not handle it anymore.

\- I just can't… - She started sobbing as she spoke in a sad voice, tears falling down her face nonstop. – Death follows me everywhere and this powers is just and addition to all the mess. Everyone around me dies, EVERYONE I LOVE DIES, I LOSE EVERYONE…AND NOW I HURT EVERYONE I LOVE, this is not the way I want to live my life, so you should have let me at the lake. THE PAIN IS TOO MUCH, I just…

Caitlin was sobbing so hard she never noticed Julian getting up and giving her the warmest hug she ever had in her entire life. She broke down in tears before him, her chin on his shoulder while she hugged him hard without noticing.

\- It's so hard – She said in a low voice between her tears. She felt so broken inside, finally letting all her sorrow out, she thought she would never be able to feel normal again. – Everyone thinks I'm ok. I'm not. For a long time, I'm not. And even so I try to help my best, but… I just can't anymore, I feel so hurt, and so lost… I can't stand the fact that I might lose someone dear to me again, this time cause of me, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself…I just… I'm cursed and doomed, and my heart was shattered so many times. It's easier to feel nothing… I can't be here right now – She let him go out of sudden and turned around to leave.

Julian grabbed her wrist bringing Caitlin back to his arms as he brought his lips to hers, kissing her slowly. Her lips tasted like cherry, for some reason he wasn't aware of, but that he found amazing, and she had soft and evolving lips. He could spend the whole day kissing her like this. His heart was racing and he felt the need to act on his feelings before it was too late. He held her by the waist, his other hand caressing her hair as she kissed him back. It killed him that she felt this lonely, this heavy stuff on her shoulders. She had suffered enough for her entire life, as she mentioned a small portion of her past to him, and all he wanted was to make things better for her. He needed to. Caitlin was the light that was missing in his life, he felt so good to be with her, listen to her stories. He never felt this way about anyone before, and he was glad to know her, even if it took something tragic for this to happen. She opened her eyes, getting away from his embrace in a rush and gave him a sad smile.

\- I like you too much to risk losing you too.

She was feeling desperate and ran away in a rush, tears falling down her face. Julian's apartment was in the second floor of the building so she got to the street pretty fast.

\- CAITLIN, WAIT – Julian shouted, running after her. Still rained a lot and they both were soaked from it once again.

Caitlin turned around, scared as she felt her body trembling and turning cold. Her eyes turned bright blue once again and she took a deep breath as she panicked. A wave of fury took over her as she raised her hands and threw sharp and deadly pieces of ice in his direction. Some of the ice cut his skin on his cheeks and arms, but he ignored it.

\- I WILL HURT YOU! It's what I do best! – She said in a cold voice.

\- I don't believe you – Julian said getting closer as Caitlin threw more ice in his direction, hitting him hard on the shoulder. The bleeding was getting worse, but he kept his eyes on hers. – I know you don't want to hurt me, and I believe you can control this. You are strong Caitlin. I know you are!

Julian finally reached for Caitlin, taking his hand on hers. She looked at him, startled and scared.

\- You are not a killer. I know that. You were in an impossible situation; I would have done the same thing. You are not a bad person, you are a hero. Killer Frost in you doesn't have to be a villain, she can be the true hero I know you are, and I will help you, no matter what, I will.

He caressed her cheeks and kissed her again, this time she responding quicker than the before by kissing him back. A wave of deep and mixed feelings took over and overwhelmed Caitlin as she kissed him back. Her heart started beating so fast; it seemed it would jump out of her chest. Her hands trembled as she felt his tongue exploring her mouth and massaging hers, the color in her face coming back to normal. The cold from her body started to fade away and a wave of warmth took over her from head to toe. She brought her hands to his neck, never breaking apart from their kiss.

She felt safe again for some reason, she felt like she could trust him. He took a huge risk by coming after her in the state she was in; he got hurt and didn't let it affect him at all. He was determined to help her, to make sure she knew how he felt, how much he believed in her. It felt like he understood her like no one else she knew did. She broke down before him and he held her, making sure she knew she could rely on him and that meant the world to her. She still felt broken inside, but she had hopes someday she would be whole again, happy again. Suddenly it wasn't an impossible dream anymore. She opened her eyes, breathing fast, her forehead resting on his.

\- I told you I like you too much to lose you. – She gave him a soft smile while caressing his wet cheeks, drops of rain falling from their faces.

\- It's a good thing I'm not going anywhere then. I will help you control your powers; I know you can do it.

\- You have too much faith in me, I could hurt you…

\- If I get a bruise or two along the way, I don't mind. It will be worth it. – He smiled before she kissed him, embracing everything he had to offer her.

Somehow she knew she could deal with the monsters inside her, and little by little win the battle against her fears. Maybe there was hope for her heart to be whole again, piece by piece.


End file.
